Today was overall a good day, a little frustration however though, as it seemed as though I didn’t really accomplish much. Well not as much as I could have accomplished, if I was able to maintain a little more focus. I was able to get up the blog post I wanted today,but after that kinda just coasted through the day. I came across the news from a lawyer today regarding the accident, and he basically told me that I have little to no chance of someone other than myself paying for the damages that I did not do. I almost started to lose faith and go into a whirlwind of anxiety, but I stopped myself and told myself that I was just going to trust God and surrender this issue to him. Even though this is really hard for me to do because I am always wanting to handle everything on my own, I realize that there is nothing that I can do other than trust God.
I then went and paid bills today, that should have been taken care of but I didn’t take care of them when they were suppose to, so of course late fees surfaced. But nonetheless they are paid, and everything is on so that is one less thing to have to worry about.
After, I picked up my kids from school me and my son had some quality time, and went walking on a trail together. Even though its something small, to him it meant everything, and to me it meant everything to see it mean everything to him. I really enjoyed soaking in the presence of God, feeling the rain drops dancing on my skin. Somehow though although I was physically there with my son, mentally I kept finding myself escape the precious moments with other unnecessary thoughts of what I was going to do next. I allowed the things outside of the moment I was in, to steal the 100% connection I could have had in the moment I was in. I loved seeing him jumping in rain puddles, and being enthusiastic about writing. I dont understand why I wasn’t so joyful as I should been about it. I think it might have been because I was allowing other negative thoughts of what I wasn’t doing to cloud my judgement of what I was doing .
Proceeding home, of course it is the normal routine of dinner, baths, homework, play a little, and bed time. Sometimes I get so tired of having everything so routine. Although a routine is good, I can see that in some instances the sheltering has limited my children a little. I could notice how at the park in some instances like climbing by the river, or the thought of biking on the ramps the trail has,made my son feel timid and unaware that he has the power to do so. It was almost like he was asking me permission to want to be adventurous, and somehow through the fear of what I would say, also made him fear the task at hand in the moment. I simply ask myself what is it that I am either doing or not doing that makes my son question his self worth, and the power that he possesses within himself.
As I am thinking this I cant help but to come to mind that possibly he feels this way because he has seen me to question my self- worth and power. And somehow subconsciously I have pushed my thoughts of lacking to my son. Not intentionally, but unintentionally through my actions and words that I say to myself about things that I am or am not doing. It hurts me because of the fact that although I know I have self- worth I dont always believe in it because somewhere in the back of my mind are all the things people have told me that have made me question myself worth. The feeling of this cycle continuing to my children eats me alive. I dont want this toxic cycle in my life any more, nor do I want the same thing for my children.
I realize that I have a lot of emotions and pain harboring from things in the past, that I have got to deal with so that I can move on. So that I can truly believe in myself and the power I have within. Instead of allowing these things to keep hindering me, or me hiding them because I dont want to deal with the pain that these things bring when I have to face them. I feel like I have been running from these things and I can no longer run. I am tired of running, I am tired of hurting. I want to be able to believe in myself worth, accomplish the impossible, understand who I am, and be my complete being that God has designed me to be. So, that I may teach my children the exact same thing.
I will not continue to fight a war I can not win, but will instead surrender even the hurt I feel to God so that I may be healed internally for all eternity. I have had toxic people say and do toxic things in my life, and it wasn’t until I have grown older and have had kids on my own that I have seen just how much this actually does effect my existence.
However, I am up to here with allowing these things to hinder, break, mold, my existence. These things no longer and never made me who I am, and now its time for me to discover who I am without listening to the voices in my head from people who tried to make me something that I am not or that criticized me for who I really was. I dont ever want to alter anymore my being, worth because of someone else even so called family.
I will allow God to break these chains, and slowly start to rediscover who I am and what makes me happy. Standing in confirmation with God that if he is transforming me I am the best creation in his image. Standing on my worth in who God tells me I am.
I will start by taking it back to my childhood and discovering what things I still need to heal from so I can be the best mother emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually to my children that I can. Because I realize that sheltering them from pain is not going to teach them how to deal with the pain. Sheltering them from toxic people, although good isn’t going to teach them how to deal with toxic people they may face. Overly praising my children isn’t going to help with the realities of the world that they will face on their own.
I am going to start with rediscovering myself, not being afraid, and being okay with letting my children make mistakes sometimes, so then that way I can teach my babies the valuable lessons, and build their self- worth in themselves, and not in me, or in anyone else but God.
This is not going to be easy, but sometimes you have to go back to square one so that you can retrace what is stopping you from going to the next step in your life. I am honestly just tired of the thinking, worrying, stressing, negativity, its just not getting me anywhere. And I am ready to face the demons, the hurt, the disappointments and etc head on so that I can get to the healing, success, blessings, the joy and so much more.
I am a great mother, but there is always room for improvement.
In order for me to be the best mom I can be I must be the best me that I can be. I dont ever want to die thinking that I hindered my children because of the things that hindered me because of the things that were given to me in my life out of hindrance and the way of my parents. I will be the one God uses to break the cycle, and although hard I know that it will be worth it.
A woman trying to heal and move on