I haven’t written in a few days, and for some reason I tend to do this when I get so caught up in life, or begin to feel overwhelmed. I get so frustrated with the things that are happening around me that I sometimes tend to neglect the most important things in my life. I also feel that I try to conquer more than one thing at a time. By conquering more than one thing at a time, I tend to not be able to give as much time, detail, or even finish the things that I started because I try to start to many things at once.
Of course, doing this gets me feeling overwhelmed, and begins to create anxiety for me. I guess I do this because I have so much that I want to accomplish, and think that if I do more at once than I will get it done or get there faster. However, after countless times, I clearly see this doesn’t work, yet I continue to do it. Why? I have no idea, why. But I want to stop doing this. I want to be able to just focus on one thing, give my all to that one thing, so that I can then give my all to the next thing.
I guess I just feel extreme amount of pressure because I feel like I have two little people counting on me, I have family counting on me, I have others counting on me. When you think about all the people that are looking up to you, to be the one to make it, it just makes you feel like you have to go hard. It makes you feel like you have to do more than one thing at a time. It makes you feel like if you don’t do something you will fail. That is the thing, I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to stay the same, staggering and staying stuck within the cycles getting me nowhere.
I want to feel the chains broken, and freedom. I want to feel like I have accomplished something worth accomplishing. I want to make my children proud, I want to be able to take care of my mom, I want to be able to know that I did something with my life before my dying day. Because you don’t know when your dying day will be, that is what pressures me to do as much as I can within the days that I have. I guess I just have to learn to calm down, to not let fear of death, and not succeeding push me so much that I dont get to actually enjoy my life.
Right now I don’t feel as though I am enjoying life, because I am so worried about making it, worried about not making it and all of these other 1,000 of thoughts running through my head. I just want to know that I am doing something with myself, I just don’t want to be stuck. I wont be stuck. I guess I need to stop replaying these things in my mind, and just begin to recite to myself what I do want, instead of what I dont want with my life.
I will make it, but some days it just seems as though its taking forever to just make it. I guess I also need to rethink my definition of what it means to make it. Really think about why and what I am pressing towards. I have to realize that making it is more than just changing your financial and materialistic status. Making it is being able to know that you have loved unconditionally, were compassionate beyond measure, understanding, humble, helpful, and so much more. Making it has to be more than just a dollar sign, and name brand clothes. Because once you die, you can’t take any of those things with you. So maybe I just need to stop telling myself that making it, is being able to have the things I never had, and do the things I never did. Instead changing my thoughts to loving like I have never loved, caring like I never cared, going out of my way for the less than, like I never have before and so much more. Creating a new me, within a better existence through the things that money can never by. I know that if I live like this, that if I could be remembered for the things that I did, the way I made others feel, than I did accomplish something in my life. I don’t want to be remembered for the amount of money I had, or things that I possessed, because those things will be forgotten about.
I want to place and touch peoples hearts in away that I will never be forgotten about, and right now that is through my words and my actions. Truly that is how I will forever touch peoples hearts, and that is what I am going to set out to do, each and everyday….. Touch someones hearts……
I will live a life of purpose, because my life has a purpose……..
Today, is the day where I choose to stop being overwhelmed and pressured by fear… but instead…. choosing to live, love, and be in the moment. Accomplishing what I can, changing lives, and touching hearts, with each thing that I do.
A girl just trying to live