As you might have read in my previous post 15 signs that you’re a fixer, being a fixer can be really hard, and can steal a lot of joy from your life. There are healthy boundaries to being a fixer, but there are majority of people who tend to be fixers that don’t have those boundaries established. When we don’t have those boundaries established we tend to exalt ourselves further than what we really can. We tend to see, everyone else’s life and problems, more important than our own. We tend to allow the fixer in us to get us so worked up that we lose our focus, happiness, and in severe cases sanity lol.
We have all fallen victim to being a fixer. Women are natural fixers, we tend to want to fix everything sometimes except for ourselves. Women tend to want to get in relationships with men that they think they can fix. We can sometimes tend to want to fix a toxic person in our family, an addict parent or friend, strangers lives. We can tend to want to fix as much as we can, when we can.
Is being a fixer really a cover up to not to have to deal with our own issues? Do we feed off of the vulnerability of others, or are we the vulnerable ones?
No matter the reason, being a fixer can way in on your mental and physical health. It can consume a lot of your mindset, time, and energy that could be used on doing better things to advance your life.
There was once a time in my life where I was such a fixer that I became an enabler for many people to continue to do the same habits, that I so desperately was trying to help fix. Nonetheless, after getting into depression, not taking care of myself, I began to rethink my life and perceptions. I begin to realize that I can’t fix anyone but myself.
I would love to go more in depth about my story, and I will be soon, but for now I am going to give you the information on what has helped me to stop being a fixer in a unhealthy way. These are things that I had to realize, as well as begin to put in a effort to practice.
Changes will not happen over night, but with consistent effort, it can happen.
12 Solutions That Will Make You Rethink Being A Fixer
1. Realize that the only person that you can control is you.
The only thing that you can control, is your own well being. Trying to control someone else will never really work. There are some people that no matter what it is that you do for them or who you are to them, they will never change. To a degree something becomes behavioral, something engraved that they may not desire to ever change, because they see nothing wrong with that. Example; addicts that may relapse or never attempt to quit, people who choose to continue to be locked up over being free. (This is also called institutionalized). As a fixer, I had to learn to understand this even though it is so hard to understand sometimes. But the point is, we may never really understand. The best thing we can do is attempt to control ourselves, and how we act with the people who we can’t control.
2. Realize that you are neglecting yourself
When we tend to want to fix others, we will put others needs and wants before our own. If we become to obsessed with helping and controlling someone, we can end up letting our own self care slip away. You must realize that neglecting yourself is not helping you or anyone else. If you dont take care of you, who will? How will you take care of anyone else if you aren’t all the way together?
3. Realize that having the intention of fixing someone is not your job
Going into a relationship, friendship, job, and etc with the mentality of fixing something, is truly setting yourself up for failure, and a lot of mixed messages. We should never make it an intention going into something thinking you need to fix them. We end becoming allured to who we think a person can be, instead of who they actually are. This perception will keep us away from actually being of any use, because of taking time to understand, we automatically think we know. Your job is not to judge with the intention of fixing someone, but to love and understand even if there is things you do not agree with.
4. Realize the world doesn’t revolve around you
Coming to the fact of reality that the world doesn’t revolve around you and the way that you think, say, or do things. The people and the things in this world will not always go the way you think it should go. So, therefore trying to get these things to conform to your thoughts will never happen, because not everyone will see and do things the way you do them. That is okay. We as fixers have to know when enough is enough, and be able to look at our own behaviors. Sometimes, as fixers we end up complicating situations, people, or just thing in general. Just breathe and know that your world right now has to also go around but not around you lol.
5. Realize that sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is let them be
Sometimes no matter what it is we have done for a person, it still may never be enough. Sometimes we can go above and beyond for a person, and they still continue the same behaviors. But, when we realize that sometimes we just have to let a person be and make mistakes on their own, so that they can learn from them. If we try to fix everything, or shelter a person from all things, they may never know how to conduct themselves on their own when life does happen.
6. Realize that you need healthy boundaries
For fixers we can either tend to have no boundaries, or we don’t keep the ones that we have set for ourselves. However, this is not healthy nor is it good for us. Having no boundaries or not any healthy ones is a sure set up for us to either do to much, or have to much done to us. You need to be able to set limits on what you will and will not get involved with so that it doesn’t become something to harm you.
7. Realize that sometimes all you can do is pray
The saying let go and let God, went along way, because sometimes all we can do is pray for a person. There are a lot of battles that we will not be able to win. Realizing that we can pick and choose the battles we pursue, can help us to not overload our own selves with things we can do nothing about.
8.Realize your weakness
If you know that listening to someone’s problems will make you want to fix them, try limiting the conversation. If that doesn’t work, try reciting to yourself that you are only going to listen to them, understand what they are saying, and do nothing else. We as fixers have to be aware of what weakness we have so that we can be able to stop ourselves if we attempt to do too much.
9. Realize that everything takes time
Just because a person may not see , hear, or want to change when you want it, doesn’t mean it will or will not happen. Sometimes we only come into a person’s life to sow seeds, or water a seed that has already been planted. We all know that the process of growing anything takes time, as well as patience.
10. Realize that nagging, bugging, and hounding isn’t helping
Constantly being on a person about something, is not going to make that person want to change any faster. Nagging, bugging, and hounding a person could potentially make a person do the exact opposite of what you think needs to be done. Say it once, maybe twice, and after that you have to let it go out of your hands. Nagging, only takes away from positive energy and gives in to negative energy. Plus after a while, people become mute to what you’re saying and it goes in one ear and out the other.
11. Realize that there are therapist, counselors, social workers, and psychiatrist for a reason
There are many instances were a persons problems lie way beyond, what we think we can do to help. It may be a mental, emotional, or behavioral issue. The key is to know when to allow the professionals to handle it. I have watched enough Dr.Phil shows to know that regardless of your lifestyle, bank account or etc, there are people that we ourselves can not handle. In severe cases, these professionals may not be able to change them either, but they are at least going to listen and attempt to give the best advice professionally. You can always contact your local city office to get information on these resources.
12. Realize that you just need to stop trying to fix what you can not control
We can’t control another person’s life or decisions. We can’t control what happens in the world. We can try to plan or place our opinions on anything we want, but we must also know that may not change anything either. Sometimes we need to know when to let go of our own pride, so that we can see what we really control. Causing yourself worry, and stress because someone or something isn’t going the way you want it to, is only going make the situation worse. Focus on what you can control, and watch how things seem a little more doable.
These are just 12 ways that I begin to rethink being a fixer, and I can honestly say that practicing these things have helped me to not be a fixer. I used to be a real bad fixer, and a rescuer, now I just let go and let God be the rescuer. I now just focus on what it is that I can change within myself, and have healthy limits established for what I can do for others.
I can say that since I learned these techniques I am more at peace not only with myself, but with the choices of others. Although, I may not agree still with several things individuals and the world does, I can still positively disagree without it causing worry, stress, fear, doubt, depression and more that it used to.
There is hope fixers. You can still be you, and be that caring person that you maybe. On the flip side however, you have to do it in away that keeps you up as well.
These are excellent solutions to begin to put to use, even if it is one at a time.
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– Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.