Here it has been days since I have written anything, not even on paper have I written anything. I found myself again in an emotional rut causing me to not want to write. That is still very strange to me, as I have always used writing as an outlet. However I believe that it might be something deeper than that. This last few weeks I have been doing a lot of just inner thinking and have realized many deep things about myself that I didn’t realize before. For example, that I sometimes tend to doubt my abilities, when I dont understand, get overwhelmed, and etc. I sometimes allow what I don’t know to stop me from what I do know. I sometimes let what I don’t have stop me from recognizing what I do have. I get so caught up in the pressures of pushing myself to obtain the ” dream of success”, I have not realizing that this dream is not going to come over night. I pressure myself and push myself so much that I forget to be thankful in the moment for all the things that I do have. I forget to allow myself to breath and know that if I dont ever give up, keep learning, keep seeking, and keep striving that eventually I will get to my dream. However, I catch myself being so hungry for that dream, because all I have had is struggle. But I say that but then I think to myself, you have had struggles, but it wasn’t the worst it could have been.
I think to myself that the only thing that you are really struggling with right now is financially. But wait thats not true either, because right now you have everything that you need. See, thats the issue I struggle with being in the moment and enjoying the journey to get there. Success to me is not only about achieving a greater financial stability but its about a state of mind, the person you become, the people that you help, the relationships that you have and build, the things that you do with success that money cant buy. Somewhere in the back of my mind though I pressure myself thinking that I need to obtain some level of financial status in order to be accepted in a world that thrives off of financial status and the things that we possess.
When I allow my mind to go here that is when I begin to miss the moment, that is when I begin to think that I am not good enough or that I will not make it. That is exactly the thought process that wont get me anywhere. That is the thought process that will make me want to give up. This also tells me that I truly need to reevaluate what success is , and look at the things that I am doing in the moment. Success is not about money, success is greater than that.
Success is being able everyday to get up and take care of my children everyday, work, and still have the energy to come home play, cook, read them stories even though I am dog tired. Success is doing all of that and still getting up and working on my blog. Success is being able to forgive the people that did the most hurtful things to me. Success is being able to lift someone else up and make their day. Success is being able to spread a smile, lend a hand, show compassion, and go out my way when I can. Success is finally taking the initiative to take care of me mind, body, and soul. Success is me being able to love with my whole heart, tell my story even though its hard to. Success is being able to say that I am not perfect and that I am currently a work in progress. Success is being able to make a goal or something happen for me, the ones I love, or a complete stranger everyday. Success is being able to know that God loves me, I am loved, and that I am slowly learning to love myself again.
Success is looking back at how far I have come and realize that I still have more to go. Success is a mindset that far surpasses anything that I could ever obtain in my checking or savings account. Success is knowing that I am not where I want to be, but that I am not going to give up just because it gets hard. In the moment, it can be hard to remember these things though. That is why I am making a conscious effort to confirm daily to myself these small successes, as well as who I desire to be in the future.
Allowing myself the ability to be imperfect, to be patient, to work hard, to succeed, to fail, to laugh, to cry, to love, to heal, to be strong, to change, to do, and to be who I am in this very moment. Realizing that who I am in this very moment is exactly in the moment the person that I am suppose to be, knowing that this to is just a temporary state.
So instead of allowing the world, or anyone else stress me out or make me think that I am not good enough.I am going to focus on what is truly important and the very things that do make me more that just good enough… they make me…. me! A unique, one of a kind, woman that I desire to live, be , and give my all doing exactly that being who I was destined and created to be.