May 27 2016,
Here I am way up past my normal bedtime routine thinking of all the ways that I am recreating who I am. I am slightly exhausted yet I am being pushed by dreams. I can’t help but to imagine where I want to be in the mist, of trying to remain grateful in the presence of struggle. There were plenty of times before were I have just caught myself talking about what it is, I was going to do. I felt as though I was a broken record, continuing to repeat the same wants for my life, yet not seeing any tangible differences. I knew that somewhere inside me was saying that I wasn’t giving it all that I had, and therefore because I wasn’t giving it all I had, I was not getting any results.
Needless to say that I had that mindset of just talking about what I was going to do for 8 years. This year I just finally said to myself that I was tired. I was tired of saying what I was going to do and not doing anything. I was tired of saying what I wanted for my life yet only giving little to no effort. I decided in my mind that my dreams are bigger than just me, they also effect my children and the ones that I love around me. If I continue to choose to only get it half, make excuses or not do it all, I am only setting my children up for the possibility of neither them or I reaching our full potential.
I decided this year that I was tired of being average. I decided that I was tired of putting my childrens future at risk by not pushing myself now while they are young to reach for my dreams of success. I decided this year I was going to look forward to accomplishing the very things that I have been telling myself that I was going to.
I decided that in order for me to apply all my energy in recreating myself, that I was going to have to let go of applying energy towards holding on to the past and mistakes that I made.
I decided to stop allowing my mind to be the stumbling block. For so many years I have allowed my mind to talk me out of the very things that I say I want to do with my life, because of fear, worry, doubt, listening to others opinions and lack of faith. But currently where I am now, I am in the mindset of making it happen no matter what.
I am in the mindset of pushing myself beyond anything that I have ever pushed myself. Knowing that a conscious effort to change subconscious thoughts and behaviors was going to take a lot of work and change. I knew that I was going to not only have to change my perception but also just start taking action.
Even if it has been a little at a time, I have been taking more action then I have in a while. I can say that I am in a state of improving all aspects of my life, mind, body and soul. I have grown already so much this year and the year isn’t even over yet. I have made up my mind that there are no excuses. I have made up my mind that faith can not exist in the same place as fear does. I made up my mind that if I really want those dreams I have caste out on my vision board for me, my children, and others that I was going to have to make sacrifice, work hard, and push past any barriers trying to keep me stuck.
I may not be at my ultimate destination but I am better than what I was last year, and really even yesterday. By me pushing myself now, and putting in the work it is going to pay off in the long run.
Letting go of instant gratification to get long term gain. Its not easy, but I know that its worth me seeking out the information I need in order to make the changes needed to be a new me.
I am not my past, environment, or mistakes… I am only who I choose to be in the moment.
A girl just slowly recreating herself