There is aching in my heart, longing to have my father physically free and here with me. My Heart has always felt a empty piece from all these years of distance, and bondage. This life of prison visits, short phone calls, constant watch from guards, and ridiculous rules, was never asked for. I never asked to live this life of pain.
The relationship with my father has somehow managed to grow even through him being locked up in prison. The pain was once so unbearable, that I imagined breaking him free and running from that place. The tears streaming down my face every time that it was time to leave for a visit. The thought of his absence in the most important times in my life like teaching me about boys, the birth of my children and graduating from high school.
There was once in my life that anger stewed so deeply within me that I asked God, why did this happen to be my life, why did my father have to be the one with life in prison? Why did I have to be the one without the ideal image of a perfect family? There was once in my life that I resented my dad for making that mistake before I was born. I just couldn’t understand why, I just couldn’t understand why I had to live without the man that I deeply loved in my everyday life. I used to think why wasn’t he thinking of me that night that it all happened? Why didn’t he just walk away from it all.
These things the enemy used to torment me with, causing me to go into deep depression. A depression that would keep me away from showing love to my dad for some years, because I just couldn’t take it.
I couldn’t take the fact that my entire relationship with him has been controlled in a sense by the government. I couldn’t take that I couldn’t just see him when I wanted to see him. I couldn’t take the fact that I couldn’t just call him when I wanted to call him. I couldn’t take the fact that I couldn’t hug him the way I wanted to hug him. I couldn’t take that we always had to eat vending machine food that taste horrible. I couldn’t take the fact that I could only see him up to 5 hours max.
I couldn’t take seeing the pain from my father from a mistake he mad when he was 19 simply just trying to protect himself. I couldn’t take seeing all the regret in his eyes, and the longing to be free. I couldn’t take seeing the disappointment on his face from him not being able to be there like he really wanted to.
For so long pain out weighed the happiness. For so long the negative out weighed the positive. For so long the why me out weighed the gratefulness.
This was until one day when I finally became a woman and changed my perception to see, that although my father wasn’t here the way I would love for him to be, I should still be thankful that I can have a relationship. I begin to look at all the things that were good instead of complaining about what wasn’t. I realized that me and my father had the closest relationship than anyone I had near to me. I realized that although he was in prison behind electric fences, thick cement, guards with guns, and crazy rules in the visiting room, that nothing could stop the love. Nothing could stop him from being my father and I his daughter. Nothing could stop the soul love and connection that we deeply shared.
So, I let go of anger, and begin to love more. I stopped complaining and begin to be grateful. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and begin to feel empowered by the pain.
Realizing that one day I hope that my father will be free. Realizing that no matter what happens I will always be apart of him and him apart of me.
Loved cant be chained, no matter if those chains are physically.