Yesterday August 30th was the worst day of my life. I lost my mother. Right now, I am trying to stomach the pain but as I am writing this tears are starting to swell up in my eyes. I haven’t been to sleep in 24 hours, I have been crying for hours on in, and I cant seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my mom is actually gone. I can’t seem to understand how I was spending most of the day with her yesterday morning and afternoon, to then be woken up out of my sleep at 10pm telling me that my mother died.
I thought it was a joke. I thought it was a mistake, it couldn’t possibly be my mother that I just saw not even a few hours ago dead. I thought they had the wrong person, that maybe they were just telling a lie. But, they weren’t. I had to rush to get my kids up, who were not even dressed and rush out the door. As I pull up to where my mom was staying it seemed as though it was just a dream. There was a crime scene investigation van, police, and lines of car. I immediately got out of the car, and ran up to the door. The door in which was blocked by police who wouldn’t let me in. My head was spinning, my heart dropped to my feet, and it felt like there was a frog in my throat.
I scream out, is my mom really gone? As my uncle confirms for me, I start going emotionally crazy. Screaming and shouting that this is a dream, that this is not real, because in that moment this did not seem as though it was happening. I couldn’t believe my mom, the one I adored and loved so much died. I still even now writing this cant believe that she is gone.
My head is pounding from all the crying I have been doing and the one person who’s always comfort me is the one person I can’t have comfort from. Millions of thoughts are racing through my mind, I can’t seem to get my thoughts right. I just don’t know what to do, my mom was one of the loves of my life. How am I suppose to live on without her, the one who brought me into this world? How am I suppose to deal with the fact that I just lost my mother, and then still have to have enough strength to be a mother to my own children?
I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I am angry, sad, confused, exhausted, and so many other things right now.
I just can’t seem to make sense of the fact that I was just with her, talking to her, and being around her like I always do, to only hours later be forced to live life without her.
This is so unexpected, this is so something I was not prepared to go through quite yet. There is so much more I wanted to do for my mom, so much more I would have said. I would have held her a little more tighter yesterday, kissed her more, told her how much I loved her, how proud I was of her, how much I accepted her for who she was and not what she did or had. I mean, I have told her these things all the time before, but I would have loved the chance to tell her again, to have those be the some of the last thoughts in her mind.
Instead I am contemplating what where the last thoughts that she had. She has been through so much hell in life, people have treated her so badly, yet she still pushed through, yet she still loved even the ones who treated her like nothing. She was in so much pain mentally, emotionally, and physically. A piece of me wants to say well at least she is not in pain anymore. But now the pain she had is left in my heart from losing her, its like either side of it pain still lingers.
I think about the fact that I wont be able to get up and just call my mom anymore to talk to her. I wont be able to rub her legs and feet for her. I wont be able to spend the night sometimes and just cuddle with her and watch movies. I wont be able to run my fingers through her hair and tell her how beautiful she is. I wont be able to look into her ice blue eyes anymore. I wont be able to hear her laugh, or make her smile. I wont be able to take her out to eat anymore. I wont be able to just go for a ride anymore. I wont be able to have her celebrate my successes or even wipe my tears from failures. I wont be able to have my mommy here anymore and this is such a heart aching pain that feels like something has just pierced me through my heart.
The worst feeling, is figure out how to tell my kids, how to tell my dad who has life in prison. Its like the one parent I did have to support me out here is gone,, and all I can say to myself is Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why my mom? Why today? Why like this?
I mean I know that we all face death one day but I wasn’t expecting it to be this soon. I wasn’t expecting that today would be the last day in my mothers arms.
I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant think, and right now I feel like I cant live. If I didn’t have my kids to keep pushing for I would probably just shut myself in the house, and sleep and cry. This is a pain that I have never felt before, one that I cant even describe. A pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I keep trying to get my mind to think of all the good times. I keep trying to erase the image of me seeing my mom zipped up in a body bag. I keep trying to erase seeing her cold and lifeless but it wont go away.
You don’t understand how much me and my mom have been through. How much I have seen with my mom. I have been there at her lowest points when she used to be on drugs, to her highest points of being clean and sober, graduating, going to church, being a excellent grandmother, always lending a helping hand.
Our relationship truly blossomed from brokenness. There was once a time when my mom left out my life, and was gone. There was once a time I was so hurt from her leaving me that I couldn’t stand to even speak to her. There was once a time when we were homeless. There was once a time I saw my mom in so much pain emotionally. There was once a time when she almost lost her life. There was once a time in my life I realized that no matter what me and my mom had been through that I only had one mom, and that no matter what we had been through it never outweighed the love we had for one another.
I forgave my mom, she forgave me when I was in junior high. Since that moment, we have had ups and downs but we still have stayed by each others side. We have been there for one another, opened up to one another, and loved one another like we never had before. In that moment I stopped disrespecting my mom. I haven’t cussed, called her out her name, said anything negative to her, argued with her or anything since I was in 8th grade. I realized the error of my ways was from pain, not from how I really felt about my mother. Since then, no matter if she would get upset with me or not, I took whatever she brought to me, which wasn’t a lot but sometimes she would get snippey lol. But I took it, because I knew she didn’t mean it and she was probably having a rough day or something, I instead showed her more and more love.
I would be the one to check on my mom, carry her groceries in for her, run her errands, and helped her even shave her legs when she couldn’t because of surgery lol. I loved my mom so much, and I went out of my way to show it to her. Just like she went out of her way to show me she loved me.
Its so crazy this is happening, just yesterday morning she was telling me how proud of me she was, and how much she loved me, my sister, and her grandkids.
I still feel like this is not real. Now, I truly can vouch for the saying love your loved ones because you never know when will be their last day.
I see this is true. In a instant my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on a million times.
Please I beg you whoever is reading this. LOVE YOUR MOTHER with every inch of your being. No matter what she has done, no matter what has happened, we are all human and we all make mistakes, and mothers can only do the best of what they know. If they didn’t have a good childhood it maybe harder for them to communicate that love effectively because they weren’t loved the right way. That is one thing I learned from learning to love my mom even in her flaws, that she did the best she can because no one loved her.
There is no argument, no situation, nothing worth saying or doing something that you cant get back. Take the time to love unconditionally everyone that you know because you never know when that opportunity will get taken from you. Lets stop waiting to the last minute to show love, last stop putting our electronics, or to-do list above the thing that means the most in this world and that is LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE with every ounce in your body, because when your time is up that will be one of greatest things people will remember you by.
If it wasn’t for my relationship with God, I wouldn’t know what Love is. I wouldn’t have known how to forgive my mom or build a relationship with her again. I am so thankful for God, I am thankful that years ago I set aside the tick for tack, the what you did wrong list, and forgave my mom. I am so thankful I saw the beauty in her even in her flaws. I am so thankful that we were where we were in our relationship. I am so thankful that I was able to create more good memories than bad. I am so thankful that my babies got to know who she was. I am so thankful for the love, sacrifices, and all the things she went through for me.
I am honored to be able to say that I had a mother who was a survivor. A woman who had a heart of gold. A heart that sometimes was to good to others. A woman who wasn’t afraid to be herself, and speak her mind. I am so honored to have a woman that didn’t cut my relationship off with my dad even though he was in prison. I am so honored to have a woman that would give her last for me, and always kept it real with me. I am honored to be able to call this woman my mother. I am honored to have been able to experience her love, and her presence.
I am not sure if the pain will ever cease. I am not sure what I will even do after typing this post. I am still in shock. I need my mothers love because my mothers love was the best love that I could ever ask for.
R.I.H- Mom aka Raney Dee Jackson. You will forever be loved, missed, and engraved in my heart.
I am balling my eyes out typing these words, this is so unreal.