Today is the day that ends it all. Today is the day that I get stamped with the thought of forever living without my mom physically on earth. Today is the day that all the running crazy for funeral arrangements stop. Today is the day I am feeling like my heart will stop because there’s a gapping hole in it. A hole in which my mother filled, how am I suppose to continue to live life without her.
I feel as though God knows my pain which is why it’s raining today. The gloom makes me think about how dark I feel on the inside without my mommas light shining bright beside me. The raindrops tapping on my window pane sound like the tears dropping over my pen and paper. There’s a stillness of movement other than the rain coming down. It’s like nature knows how sad today is for me. It’s like the world knows that my world has just been shaken up like an earthquake.
I still can’t believe it’s been a week and two days since I heard the sound of my mothers voice. The pain I am feeling is beyond anything I ever felt, even the pain of contractions when your bringing life into the world couldn’t touch the pain I feel inside.
You feel as though this is all a illusion of the mind. You feel as though your minds playing tricks on you. Nothing I do feels the same nor do I even have the desire to do the same things.
I just keep thinking about what my mom would want me to do. How my mom would want me to keep going and never give up. Although it feels like you should just give up when you don’t have your number one supporter rooting you on.
Theres a hole in my heart that no words, no fun, no drink, no weed, no presents, no food no nothing can satisfy. Realizing that through this moment there is nothing that can mask the pain. There is nothing that can replace the biggest piece of my heart like she did. Right now my heart seems to be shutting down. Right now it feels as though life is not worth living.
But see those are the thoughts that come in your head to start making you second guess who God is. The enemy starts trying to plant seeds of suicidial thoughts, depression, discouragement, worry and stress in your head. He’s wanting you to second guess the value of life and what God says it is.
You know the Devils the type to keep kicking you when your down. He’s the type that wants to feed off your vulnerability like a pack of wolves hunting for blood.
What do you do when your heart wants to feel sadness but everything around you is telling you to be strong?
Do you sense somehow that sadness is weakness? Right now it feels as though weakness is starting to creep up. Can I just cry a little? Shout out in anger how infuriated I am? Will even do these things fill the whole in my heart?
Today is the day we have to forever say goodbye. Today is the day I look back and reminisce on our memories. Today is the day that reality hits that you won’t be here to make more with me.
Thinking about the fact that I’m only 24 and will have live without my mom through some of the most important moments for the rest of my life.
Its a pain that runs deeper than the ocean and higher than any mountain top. All I want is my mom back so that I could feel on top of the world again instead of collapsing from the pressure of the world on my shoulders. All I want is another chance to hold her.
This whole experience has been a awakening. I’m just going to make sure I turn towards God and really allow him to continue to wake me up.
Even though I feel like running, shutting down, hitting something and just going off the wall, I realize those things too will do nothing to ease the pain of the whole in my heart.
Expereincing death so close to home really puts you in a frame of my mind that allows you to get in your mind that your frame of time doesn’t last forever.
My mothers love is something that I will hold until the end of time.
I love you