Losing someone can wake you up to lessons and realizations of what life and love is all about. Especially when the one you lose is the one who brought you into the world. The crazy thing is that no matter how much we know in our minds that times like these will happen, you are never actually prepared for that moment to happen. The moment when it does happen, is a moment that you weren’t even expecting it to happen. That is why whenever it finally does happen your world seems to be turned upside down. Losing my mother unexpectedly shook me so much that my existence didn’t even seem real. When I lost my mother, nothing in the world mattered. During that moment of time you begin to see that the world doesn’t revolve around you or do what you want when you want it. You end up opening your eyes to the fact that you don’t have any control and only God is the one who has control.
Since my mothers passing on August, 30th, 2016, my world is still slowly adjusting to her not being here, but I have yet to really accept that she is gone. Through this whole experience of sudden death, having to plan a funeral, having to deal with grief, crazy emotions, family, friends, children, and day to day task, you end up learning a lot about yourself as well as everything that surrounds you . Although my heart feels incomplete right now, I know that one day I will get to a point of healing from my mothers loss, that I can at least try to have joy in my everyday.
There are a lot of things people say and do during a time of loss. There is no really right or wrong response to how you handle death because everyone handles death differently. I can honestly however say that if I didn’t have a relationship with God and if I didn’t have my children that counted on me, I probably would have just given up and lost hope in life. But, I am so thankful that I have those relationships in a time like this when you begin to question everything in life even your own life.
So, with that being said, below you will find some of the lessons that I have learned through encountering the hardest moment of my life of losing my mother.
What Losing My Mother Taught Me
1. Love is all that matters
Losing my mother taught me that love is truly the only thing that matters when it comes to loving someone. Sometimes we tend to hold back our love because of the things people have done or said to us, not realizing how much that destroys a relationship as well as our ability to love. When you lose someone in that moment you don’t think about that list of wrongs or rights, you think about all the good times, all the love that was shared and how much you will miss and love that person.
2.The world is bigger than you
In the world we live in now it seems to be all about self. If we are not careful we become so consumed with ourselves that we miss out on valuable moments to love, laugh, spread joy, have fun, and to simply just to live life. We tend to think so much about what we want and don’t want, that we don’t always step out to ask someone how they are feeling or if they need help with anything. The world is bigger than you and we should do more to start giving of ourselves to others and the ones that we love.
3. The world doesn’t stop
Even though your world is stopped and changing doesn’t mean that everyone else’s is. Through death there is sometimes a longing to just want everything to sit still for a while, just so you can catch up with yourself. Truth is the world doesn’t stop, and some people don’t care. Responsibilities still have to be taken care of , you still have to get up to go to work, you still have to raise your kids, go to school or do whatever it is on a day to day basis even when you feel you shouldn’t.
4.Allow Yourself To Heal
Throughout this whole time there has been several people that have told me to stop crying, to just pull myself together. However these same people fail to realize that when your torn apart by something you cant control its really hard to pull yourself together. Crying is good for the soul, it helps to release the grief and the sadness that you are feeling on the inside. It is better to let it out then to hold it all in and lash out. Remember however that it will take time.
5.Support is a good thing
Death can make you want to shut down and push away from everything but this is not healthy. Shutting down can lead to depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. When your going through a tragedy such as this one, you need people around you that will uplift and support you during this emotional time. Stay plugged in so you don’t check out.
6. Drugs and Alcohol doesn’t help
A lot of people kept telling me to go have a drink it would make me feel better. I thought to myself that smoking a little weed would make it go away. The fact is that neither really help, they just suppress the thought momentarily and sometimes it can actually intensify the emotions. No matter how many drinks you have or blunts you roll it will never make it go away or solve the issue.
7. You See People’s True Colors
When something tragic like this happens you will finally see people’s true colors. There are a lot of people who will turn on you, lie to you, and show up unexpectedly. You get to see how people truly act and feel towards you and the person who died.
8. Stuff doesn’t matter
We spend our lives acquiring all these things that we can’t take with us when you die. When you die some people only care about the stuff they get from you rather than you as a person.
9. Everything Drains You
When someone that you love deeply dies it takes everything from you emotionally, mentally, and physically. You may feel like you are a walking zombie with no energy to do anything. It almost feels like your in a out of body experience. You may not eat, drink or sleep for a period of time because your a such in shock.
10. Death can bring you apart or together
Tension seems like it can be cut with a knife when everyone is under pressure and stress. This moment can bring you together as a family and make you stronger or it could completely tear you apart.
11. This can grow you or limit you
Devastation and tragedy can make you feel like shutting down from the world and just be left alone. If you are not careful it could lead into a lot of depression and anxiety which will only increase the issue. You could instead choose to allow this moment to grow you into the person you were meant to be and learn from the lessons of life.
12. Lean on God he will see you through
I honestly can’t see how people can’t believe in the creator of the universe. Through having a relationship with God my eyes have been opened and I have received so much of the things the world can’t offer like love and peace. I owe everything I am to God, because without a knowledge and love for him I wouldn’t have anything to rely on but myself and the world and at a time like this, those things aren’t reliable. Those things can never do for you what Christ can, and I can say that my relationship with him has been the thing to level me and give me hope for the future. I have leaned and trusted him the whole way through and he has faithfully made away out of no way for me.
I have learned these things plus more about myself through this entire experience and even though this is the hardest thing in my life I know that with God I will heal over time. I know that I will make my mom proud and live like she would have wanted me to. Losing my mom gave me perspectives on life and death that I never had before. At times it’s hard for me to imagine that I will be able to live 30+ years without her by My side. However I know that she is always in my heart and will always be in my memories. I also know that one day we will be reunited in heaven. I know that on days where the tears won’t stop rolling and sadness seems to suppress my spirit, God will be right there to lift me up.
R.I.H- momma I love you more than words could ever express.