Are you loving someone but losing you in the process? Do you feel drained emotionally, mentally and physically because of this? Do you feel like you tend to their needs and wants more than your own? Do you look at yourself and wonder where did you go? Do you ever wonder why you are always the one doing or always the one hurting in the relationship? Are you stuck between walking away and staying in a relationship you’re not quite sure is worth it? Do you put yourself last? Do you tolerate things you never have before in a relationship?
Well, it’s safe to say that you might be losing yourself in someone. Now, there could be healthy and unhealthy versions of losing yourself in someone. The healthy version could be you just simply being madly in love with someone and the relationship be a healthy one. However, the unhealthy version of losing yourself is what I came to talk about today.
I can speak for everyone but I can speak from my own personal experience of being in an unhealthy relationship where I completely lost myself to the point where I looked in the mirror and had no clue who I was anymore. The thing about relationships is that they don’t come with a how-to guide or a warning of hey this person is no good and you shouldn’t start a relationship with them. Instead, you don’t realize how toxic a person is or how unhealthy a relationship is until you are already in so deep that you are either locked into, are blind to, or are choosing to stay because it’s something that you are used to. Of course, these type of relationships don’t always start off like this, they may start off in what some seem to call the “honeymoon” phase where everything seems to be going great,you’re getting along, he or she is doing any and everything you can imagine and then abruptly that comes to an end a months into the relationship. Then what I call a person’s true colors start to come out. Everything this person does or say becomes completely opposite to the facade that they were portraying in the beginning of the relationship. But months into close to years you have already developed feelings for this person so that when they begin to change you don’t understand why. You may begin to question if it is you that is causing this person to act or say the things that they do. You may begin to try a little harder or put up with this person’s cheating, disrespect, negative behaviors or whatever the case maybe to try to change them or to try to prove to them that you are good and worthy to be loved by them.
Before you know it you may begin to start neglecting your own needs to try to please this person just to get them to feel certain or act a certain way towards you because you just want it to go back to being what it was when you first met. Depending on the person themselves they may see this and begin to take advantage of the fact that you do love and care for them, so instead of them decreasing these behaviors they begin to increase these behaviors because they think they have you where they want you, and that because you so desperately love them and are willing to do whatever it takes, they believe that no matter what they do that you will always be there and you will always take them back.
It begins to become a toxic cycle of trying to prove your love by tolerating things that don’t show love at all. You begin to chase after their love so much that you forget to love yourself. You get to the point that you may even begin to get sick. You may get to the point where you stop taking good care of yourself. You stop dressing up, stop showering every day. You stop hanging with friends. You stop doing the things that you love to do. You begin to get to the point of depression, driving yourself up a wall thinking why is it that this person continues to do the things that they do to you when you do everything that you can for them. You begin to question what it is that you are doing wrong. You begin to think is it the way I dress, the way I look, the way I handle things. You begin to question your own existence and who you are because this person is tearing you down so much with their words and actions that you feel that you are not good enough. Especially if that person is cheating on you. You begin to compare yourself, wondering what it is that they have that you don’t have. Everything gets to the point where it’s nothing about you but all about them, and because they know it’s about them, they don’t care about tearing you down with their words or actions. They don’t care about lying or cheating on you. They don’t show love like they did and that’s because they think that they have you wrapped around their finger.
This my friend, is not a healthy relationship. This my friend, is not what love is. Love shouldn’t be you neglecting yourself for someone else. Love isn’t you tolerating negative, toxic, disrespectful, and hurtful behaviors to try to prove your love. Love isn’t someone constantly tearing you down with their actions or their words. Love is not someone taking advantage of you just because they know you love them. Love is not someone manipulating. Love is not someone being disloyal and cheating on you. Love is not a one-way street. Love is not someone making you feel less than. Love is not someone making you question your own identity. Love is not dishonest. Love is not neglecting, abusive, or harming in any way. Love is not something that you are supposed to lose all of yourself for someone else’s gain.
Love should be something that lifts and builds you up. Love should be something that comes from both ends. Love should be something that comes naturally that you don’t have to tolerate something against your values to prove. Love should be honest, loyal, and equal. Love should be something that is healthy. Love should be something that makes you feel amazing. Love should never be something that makes you feel less than the other person. It shouldn’t put fear in you. Love should never make you feel depressed to the point that you don’t know who you are.
Take it from me. A person that for the first time ever in my life accepted these type of negative behaviors from a man that I thought loved me like I deeply loved him. When we first started dating everything was good, he was gentlemen, he made me believe he was honest and faithful. I began to have strong feelings for him, but little did I know things would quickly change. Months into the relationship I was awakened by his true character, which was completely opposite of the person he first intended to be. Not only was he messing with another woman outside of where we lived, he was messing with other women in the same city I lived in. He would tear me down with negative words and comments because of the negative behavior he was doing. He would like to play mind games with me, making it seem like I was doing something I wasn’t to defer from the sneaky things that he was doing. I tolerated so much that I never did before because I thought I was deeply in love with this person. He would call me out my name, there were times he put his hands on me. And I was blind, blinded by love. Blinded by thinking he loved me back because he would tell me how much he loved me or how different I was from everyone else. But in all actuality, his actions did not show me, love. I can partially say that I tolerated this because I didn’t know any better because I loved him because these were the type of relationships I saw my mother in. The fact of the matter is these things were never okay. I should have never allowed these things to happen when deep down in my soul I knew it wasn’t right, I knew that I deserved better. But because of the fact that this man had control over my mind and emotions at the time, I was unable to see the damage it was doing to me emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually. That was until I had a rude awakening, where I was afraid for my life. Afraid for my life because not only did we get into a physical altercation but also because I couldn’t tell who I was anymore. I lost myself completely in him and did nothing that I loved to do. I gave it all up to please him, and this when I woke to realize that not only was this not love, but if I didn’t do something now I would continue to lose myself, become bitter, and trapped into a relationship that was clearly no good for me.
So, after the last physical altercation, I prayed to God to help me to stop loving him. To help to begin to restore the love for myself and begin to find who I was again. God did that for me. It wasn’t easy at first because I gave years of my life to this man and regardless of whether or not his feelings were genuine mine were. It was hard not talking to the person that you loved every day. It was hard not having him around when I was used to him being around every day. But the moments that I begin to miss him or be sad, I would remind myself why this was the way it was, and how by doing this I was doing what’s best for not only me but for my children as well. I would feel lonely, sad, sometimes angry. There were plenty of times I wanted to give in and go back especially when he tried to lure me in with the same old lines, lies, and excuses he used before. The thing was though as each day went by that I didn’t talk to him, see him, or give in to his bull crap, I became more powerful within.
I begin each day to rebuild myself from all the damage that he had done to me mentally and emotionally over the years. I didn’t realize how bad I had lost myself until I was given the freedom again to think about who I was and learning to love me again.
I could sit here and say that I regret this relationship happened and at times I have felt that way, but I don’t regret it because it taught me so much about myself and about what I don’t want and what a relationship shouldn’t be like.
So, I want to help anyone who may feel like their losing themselves in a relationship. Below you will find a few tips that helped me to begin to let go of what wasn’t good for me and begin to grasp what was good for me.
1.Notice The Signs
If you are feeling depressed, unhappy, lost, constantly down all the time this could be a sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship that is not good for you. If you are feeling this on a daily basis this is a sign that you may need to leave this relationship.
2.Don’t Be Afraid
Do not be afraid to leave. Do not be afraid to get what is it that you know that you deserve deep down inside. Do not think that you will never find love again or be afraid for that person to love someone else. Chances are that if the relationship is unhealthy anyway you won’t be missing out. Also, there is love for everyone so you can find love again just let it be something this is healthier for you.
3. Know what you want
If you know what you want out of a relationship, to begin with, it can help you to know what your not willing to tolerate in a relationship. If you know that you are not okay with lying and cheating don’t tolerate it just because you think someone loves you or because you may love them because if they truly loved you they would respect what you want to.
4. Get Positive Support
When you are emotionally and mentally drained it could be hard to try to conquer doing all of this on your own. It is good to find someone or a group of people that can uplift and encourage you on this journey.
5. Do Not Feel Bad
Do not let yourself, the person in the relationship, friends, family or anyone make you feel bad for wanting to be out of a relationship that is extremely unhealthy for you. A lot of times when we want to leave toxic situations people may try to make you feel guilty for wanting more. Just remember that your life is worth it and don’t let anyone manipulate you into thinking that leaving a negative situation is bad, because it is not.
These are just a few things that I had to tell myself, along with a lot of prayers to get over this toxic relationship. I am so thankful to God that he rescued me from this relationship because I feel stronger and more empowered than I ever have before. Needless to say by choice I have been single since ending this relationship, but that is because I finally realized that I must first work on loving myself first before I can allow anyone to love me or even know the way that I want to be loved by someone else. There is hope even if you feel like you are into deep. Sometimes we will lie to ourselves and make it seem like the relationship is better than what it is. The first step to change is to first be honest with ourselves so that we can begin to see the truth for what it really is. Don’t allow yourself to continue to be in a bad relationship just because. If it’s toxic it’s toxic and honestly, it’s going to do more damage staying in the relationship than it is to just walk away.
You are worthy of love. You are worthy of being loved the right way. Don’t lose yourself trying to prove that to the wrong person.
SUBSCRIBE to get updates and stay elevated
Check Out These Other Post On My Blog
(1 corinthians 13:4-8)