Moving Forward In Life (even after losing someone)

It’s crazy how life goes full circle. How we come into this world and how we leave this world ends up being one in the same.  To think about the statement ” we live to die”, is sometimes pretty mind boggling. Depending on your view of this statement it could get to be very daunting and fearful, to think about the fact that we are really living to eventually die.  For a while I was scared of this statement, to think about death and that one day I would have to leave my children in this world all alone.  It was also fearful to think about if I was actually really living at all. I ask myself am I even truly living this life that I was given. Am I going to be so fearful of dying that I don’t even make the most of every day to actually live life to the fullest?  This fear however subsided when I lost my mother last year. I lost her so suddenly, and on the same exact day that I spent most of the day with her, to then a few hours later be woken up to know that she had passed in her sleep. This was something that shook me to my core and woke me up to just how precious life truly is. It woke me up to just how important it is to make the most of every day and cherish every second of the day because you never know when it will end.  In losing her it taught me many things not only about life, myself but about death as well.

Death is something that the world seems to try to avoid talking about for some strange reason. I think that is probably why when death happens in our lives we don’t know how to handle it.  The question is why do we avoid talking about something that we know is bound to happen one day? We know that we must eventually pass on from this life, so why is it so hard to just talk about it. Is it because we are afraid? Is it because we have this scary picture of the grim reaper that was somehow made to represent what death is?

Why is death seen as something dark and scary anyway? How did the image of death get to be so scary in the first place?

Somehow through the loss of my mother, I realized that death actually somehow gives life to the meaning of life. It gives life to the memories that will forever be carried in your heart. It gives life to the fact that the pain and suffering of someone you love are no longer there. No matter how hard it is to live without them, we somehow have to figure out a way to move on and live life without them.

That sounds so harsh saying. Living life without someone that was the person that gave you life, or a person that was in your life every day. It kind of makes you feel guilty for even being alive. It makes you feel guilty of wanting to seek out happiness when the deepest part of your being is sad and longing just to be in that person’s presence again.

 

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So, how do we move on free from guilt and sadness? It’s not like you can just forget that person in your life. It’s not like you can hide the fact that you are feeling a pain that you never felt before.  Supringsly, even though the loss of my mother has been the most traumatic experience in my life, God is giving me the strength to move forward. Not because I want to let go of my mother, but because deep down inside I know that she wouldn’t want me to stop living just because she is gone.

The frustrating thing though is even though you want to move forward some of you just still wants to hold on and not go anywhere. Some of you just can’t even grasp the fact that the person you lost is actually gone. It’s like you don’t want to let go because then you feel like they never mattered if you move on too quickly without acknowledging that they are gone. It’s like you hold on because you want to still believe that they are still here someway.

 

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But reality hits you when you pick up the phone and want to call and then remember you can’t. Reality hits when you just want to feel their touch but you can’t. Reality hits when you just want to hear their voice for comfort or to make you laugh to lift up your spirits. Reality hits when you see that no one was there for you like they were there for you.

You feel like a part of you is missing, and you can’t possibly wrap your mind on how to exactly move on when that piece is no longer there.

I then look at how some people so quickly move on to the next phase of their life with what it seems like no hesitation and I ask how or even why.

For instance, without trying to throw anyone under the bus, my father tells me that he is ready to start talking to other women because he needs companionship. I don’t really know how to feel about this, I am torn. I am torn between wanting to understand my father, but then I am torn between the fact that it hasn’t even been a year since my mother has been gone and he is already ready to start seeing other people. Some of me thinks that he should wait longer like my mother has been by father’s side for 25+ years. They were never married, and my mother did see a couple other people with the fact that my father is in prison but it was nothing never serious like it was with my father. My mother never felt how she felt with my father with any other man. So, I just feel hurt that my dad is ready to move on after she stood with him that long. I mean if it wasn’t for my mother keeping a relationship between me and my father while he was in prison, I would have never probably known or even have a relationship with my dad in the first place.

I’m hurting. I’m hurting because I just feel like he should be hurting after losing someone who loved him so deeply, after the type of connection and the things that they have been through.  I just find it hard to accept he is ready to move on. But who am I to say when a person can or can’t move on, that’s why I can’t find a place in my heart to be mad at him. I realize that everyone deals with pain and loss differently. I realize that some people move on quicker than others. Maybe people move on quickly so that they can try to cover up the pain they feel from the last person.

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Maybe I am torn because I am not ready to move on yet. I am not ready to forget about my mother, who she was, or what she did for me. I’m thinking that someone shouldn’t be ready to move on because I am not. That’s when I checked myself because I am not in control of another person’s feelings or choices.

I just didn’t understand why people move on so quickly. This seems to be an issue though in today’s society, not just in dealing with death but in relationships period. I see and hear so many people complaining about how fast their partner moved on from a relationship when they thought that person was in love with them so deeply.

If a person moves on quickly, does this mean they never loved them in the first place? This is a question that many people have probably asked, so I pondered on this question for a while. In pondering this I came to the conclusion that there may be some instances that people do move on quickly because they didn’t really love the person in the first place but I know that this isn’t the case for my father.  I know that he deeply loved my mother and was in love with her. So, I started to think about some other reasons why people move on and some don’t.

In my attempt to look on the internet, I didn’t find a good answer other than people posting their opinions on forums or people saying that they never loved you in the first place which is why the move on quickly. But again, I didn’t feel like this was the case with my father.

 

To decide just let him choose what works for him and how he feels is the best answer that I could come up with. No matter how hard it is for me to be without my mother, I know that she will forever be in both me and my father’s hearts. She will always be with us in our memories and dreams. Even though I myself am not ready to move on, I have been steadily pushing myself to move forward and not be stuck.

Moving on can have both positive and negative stigmas attached to them.

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Some positive things about moving on could be the following;

  1. It allows you to heal. Through moving forward and not staying stuck in your pain, you learn to heal yourself. Healing is what brings the inner power to keep pushing even when you don’t feel like it.

2.  You grow. Moving on helps you to grow from the things that you have to overcome. If we stay stuck we stay stagnated and never really reach where we need to be in life.

3. You can help others. Through the strength that God has given me to keep moving forward, I have helped encourage so many people that life can still go on even after death. You can help other people in their pain and suffering once you become strong enough to speak about it and overcome it yourself. You can help stop some people from doing the wrong things or even just help by letting someone know you understand their pain.

4. You acknowledge that the pain is there but that it doesn’t have control. Moving on doesn’t mean that you ignore the fact that you feel sad, but it simply means that you allow yourself to feel it for a short period of time and accept how you feel. But you’re not allowing those emotions to control or destroy your life.

5. You learn from mistakes and you better your life. There are so many things I have learned from the loss of my mother in a short period of time, that have helped me to change my perception of life and myself. I have not only grown in appreciation more for life but also realized how changing certain actions or thoughts improved my quality of life.

 

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The biggest negative was just the fact that a person never loved someone in the first place if they move on to fast. Now, this could be true for some, but for many that may not be the case at all. It may simply be the fact that they don’t know how to deal with the pain of losing someone they love so they try to fill that void by spending time with someone else in an attempt to make them not feel that pain anymore.

However, the truth is using someone else to cover up the pain is never going to help you forget about or cover up that pain so I wouldn’t recommend that at all.

Even though my dad is ready, it’s okay because he can be the only one to determine when he is ready for something or not. I can’t control. I can only choose to love and look at it with the most optimistic view possible.

No matter how fast things move around you, you are the only one who can choose when you are ready to move forward. The most important things are that you do move forward and that you don’t wallow in self-pity, grief or sadness. You have to remember that even though a person may be physically gone, that doesn’t erase all the time and things that you shared with that person.

Even in moving forward you get to hold on ❤

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