” Death is not the greatest lose. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we are still alive. Never surrender.” – Tupac
I’ve taken to many losses to give up on my dreams and life now. Even though I sit here today fighting to keep going each and everyday, I know that if I throw in the towel now I will give life just want it wants from me. Life wants from me failure, Loss of hope, settling for less than I deserve. Sometimes it’s hard to feel like you deserve to have more in life when you’ve been losing from the very beginning. I think about how my life has been set up from the start, and how I was brought into this world in a losing situation already. Born to young parents that didn’t even have a home of their own at first. Born into a situation where my father was locked up in prison from the time that I was 2 months old.
Born into poverty stricken home. With a mother who wasn’t whole herself because of all the messed up things like abuse and foster homes that she was born into.
From the jump I’ve been losing if you let the world tell it. No real sense of childhood because I was forced to grow up fast. So here I was at a loss again, on what it meant to even be a kid with no worries about anything. Here I was 11 years old having to fend for myself in doing things that only adults should have been doing for me. Here I was homeless, hoping from home to home, with sometimes no food to eat when I should have been nestled in a stable home asleep. I loss the love, affection, guidance, support, and protection that every child needs. I loss the comfort in which we all need.
Here I was in middle school lost, afraid, alone, and depressed. I lost at this time my happiness. I lost so much of who I was and what I thought I needed in my life as a child that I in fact tried to end my life. I was so tired already up to this point from losing that I thought that losing my life wouldn’t make any difference. I popped a bunch of pills in which I didn’t know their name to try to end the pain in which I was feeling on the inside. At this young of age I experienced so many losses that normal kids in good homes weren’t facing. I used to ask myself why I had to be born into the toxic, mess I was born into. Why did I have to have the parents that I did have.
I was a straight A honor roll student. I took honors and AP classes. I guess back then school was my only escape from the hell I was facing on the outside. My dream was always to graduate a valedictorian and become a lawyer. That was into my mom came back into my life and decided to take me out of school. Then again I took another devastating loss as I was removed from the school that I loved and teachers that adored me. Put into a school that had one black person, were they wore confederate flags and screamed they would burn crosses in my yard as I walked down the hall.
I questioned who I was and the skin that I was in. As this was the first time I experienced the loss of dignity. Making me to feel embarrassed about who I was. So I took a loss of self worth that made me feel empty inside. So, I dropped out of school and my mom was okay with that because she was getting high.
I lost the only thing that I was holding on to keep me sane and that was my education. After that I was even more gone in the mind than I was before.
After losing the last thing I was holding on to which was my original dreams of going to Harvard my dreams became even more crushed when the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant. Here I was taken another loss of all my hopes and dreams, I was probably more disappointed then my own mother was in me.
Even though she wanted me to keep the baby. I couldn’t deal with all this. Every where I turned I was losing something. Then I lost someone near and dear to my heart. Then another loss and another one. I just felt like my life in middle school- junior high was falling apart.
I kept my baby, but I lost myself. For many years I couldn’t stand to even look at myself. I hated the life I was living and all the losses I had endured thus far.
From parents who weren’t there, fake friends, mishaps, homelessness, family addicted to drugs and so much more my life was a mess and I wanted nothing more than to try to escape from all the messiness.
I made a decision after the second time I tried to end my life that it was me or it was life that was going to win or lose. That it was up to me to make the most out of the life that I was living. Was I going to choose to let the things that I was going through to continue to break me and get the best of me or was I going to choose to do something about it and be something greater.
Needless to say it took a while. I got lost in a guy and ended up with a second child. But that was the breaking point for me, when I nearly almost lost my life. It was a wake up call when I looked in the mirror and didn’t know who I was or even what I liked.
Three years ago I started to pick back up the pieces and try to make sense of this thing called life. I forgave myself. I forgave the others that did me wrong. Now I have been on this journey in which everyday I am improving. It’s not easy as I continue to battle old thought processes, and releasing all the pain inside. But I am thankful to even just be alive. I am now on a journey to help others see that no matter what you come from that you can have greater indeed.
On top of all this I lost one of the most important things in my life which was my mother last year. See when I was younger we didn’t have the best relationship but after forgiving her years ago we were closer than ever before.
So to this day I am still taking losses. I am still in the midst of the struggle. But the only difference is I am a woman not a little girl. The difference is I have God in my life. The difference is I have been through so many things at a young age that I am wiser now. The difference is I have something greater to live for. The difference is that I don’t see losses as losses anymore but lessons and blessings in disguise.
Right now even when times get hard and I feel like giving up I remember the plan. I think about the purpose. I remember that I am fighting for more than just myself but my children as well. I remember that I will do everything in my power to make sure they have a better life than I had.
No matter how hard those losses maybe at time.
I’m thankful for everything I’ve lost in my life because I’ve gained so much mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I may have a lot of scars on both the inside and outside.
I may have a ugly past but that doesn’t determine my future.
I may have taken a lot of losses but that doesn’t mean that I can win either.
I’ve taken so many losses that I could never give up now. I’ve been through the roughest things in my life that nothing on earth I am afraid of or can stop me now.
No matter what you lose along the way always remember that you can get back up and fight to win another day.
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