I am here. I am alive. I am at peace. I am at a good place finally. It’s not that I have come across a large sum of money or discovered something magnificent . It’s just that finally I am free. I am at a place where I am subconsciously changing thoughts of victimhood and negative thinking that has kept me entangled within hopelessness for so long.
I could say that the past few years of my life weren’t the best at all. From being homeless being house to house, to losing my mother last year. I had lost myself. I had managed to dig myself in a deep pit and it felt like everything around me was crashing down. I was out of it mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Crying and sobbing all the time. Screaming out poor me, poor me, poor me. Pointing the finger at everyone and everything but my own actions and thoughts.
I felt like last year I basically slept walk through the entire year of my life. So full of grief and self pity that I didn’t even remember how old I was. That is how out of my mind I was.
It wasn’t until others started pointing out the change in me, did I start seeing how I had let my mother’s death and etc effect me. The crazy thing was it wasn’t even just her death. I believe it was her death that pushed me over the edge from years of pain that I had been holding within.
However , the thing that made me see the most was the woman in the mirror. It Was the fact that when I looked at my own reflection, I was unhappy with the woman looking back at me. It was like I was a miserable prisoner in my own body. I was more than upset with myself because I knew deep down I was better than the negative actions I was doing and the negativity in my mind. I knew I had overcome so many trials in my life, yet I had allowed this one to get the best of me.
I had begun to be very irritable, sleeping too much or not enough, had stop caring so much for others and basically destroying myself.
Finally , understanding that the only thing that has kept me in the place that I have been, was my own actions.
Seeing that if I really wanted change rather than just always speaking about change I had to be the one to change.
It was a fact I had to face, saying to myself, for how many years are you going to say your going to do something?
It was the reality of the fact that if I didn’t get my mind and my soul back right, I wouldn’t be the only one suffering from my actions.
It was the truth in knowing that the pain I had let alter my actions in that season of my life was not really who I was.
Honestly, it was like through this awakening I had yet again entered into another level of consciousness than what I was on.
It’s crazy that sometimes it takes our deepest pain to awaken our truest selves. As well as awakening to what we are truly are capable of within.
I can finally say that I haven’t felt this good in a while. I can say that it has nothing to do with external factors but everything internally.
My only goal now is to protect my peace.
My story is one to be told, and I will begin to open up more about the things that I have been through to get me where I am today.
Life is the thing that makes you grow up. At the end of the day it is ultimately your choice of whether you will let life make your or break you.
I choose to take control and make life on my own terms, because I had enough of living it on other terms.
What is the first step you choose to take on your journey?