Today I feel good, it’s not that I don’t feel good as I am on the journey of discovering more of myself. It’s not that I don’t know myself, it’s just that I need to know more of myself. It’s like how are you to know what you are truly capable of if all you ever done is what you known?
Let me just be honest with the fact that what I’ve known hasn’t been the good life. I’ve known the feeling of having a father in prison since I was a baby, and feeling a longing for a dad when you see other families.
I’ve known how it feels to be abandoned by your mother at a young age. The feeling of the one person who’s suppose to love you and be there for you, gone for a man and drugs.
Seeing my grandmother and my mother get High and by drugs. Why was I seeing this in middle school I have no idea really.
To ending up homeless in the 7th grade, hoping from home to home at different friends house searching for security some place.
The fact that I had no one that I really needed to be there. Growing up in poverty stricken neighborhoods and trailer courts. Seeing generational poverty from people who either didn’t care or just gave up.
Being betrayed, laughed out, cast aside but the world around me. There I was a young child having to be an adult. My childhood was snatched from me.
I know what it feels like to be so depressed that all you do is sleep and hide away from everything around you. I know what it feels like to think about suicide and actually attempt it because of the overwhelming pain inside.
The heartbreak from a boyfriend that you thought loved you in return. To him putting his hands on you as if you were nothing.
I know what it feels like to be so disappointed in yourself that you hate yourself because of a mistake you made . I understand being a teen mom, so desperate to wanting to give your child another way, yet longing for a love yourself and change.
The feeling of being stabbed in the back of so called friends.
I’ve known the feeling of wanting more out of life but not being able to really believe it because of the people around you who tell you that you can’t achieve it.
So, if all I’ve ever known is this trauma, negativity, and pain, how is one suppose to know what else they are capable of unless they seek it out.
I know that my purpose is bigger than pain. I know that my God has the power to break generational curses.
The crazy thing is that all though I’ve been through these things and more I have always looked for greater outside of that. I have always had a mindset as well as a heart that was able to be strong through it all.
Therefore I know that my purpose has to be in someway helping others to see what they are capable of beyond pain. Even though I don’t know exactly what that may look like, I am just going to continue to push forward through all circumstances.
Taking the pain and making it power. Allowing myself to experience more of life so that I can see all in which I am beyond the pain.
There were plenty times when I felt broken. It’s kind of like pain serves a dual purpose.
It breaks you down to somehow build you up.
Either way I will continue to use the pain to find my purpose. But I will remember that I am not my pain anymore, I am above it.